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Roger Goodell is Gonna Fix Everything

You still suck, Rodger.

If you’re anything like me, when you think of the words “competence” and “intelligence” and “effectiveness,” the person that immediately comes to mind is NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. He’s the best. The Donald Trump of sports commissioners. He’s gonna make the NFL great again!

The fact that the biggest sports league on the planet is in the imbecilic hands of Roger Goodell would be more startling if we hadn’t just handed the country over to a toe-headed nincompoop. And while Trump’s infant, Russia-caressed hands anywhere near the doomsday button are a significant issue, I’m going to spend this sports article ranting about Goodell for a minute. Because he’s a moron.

Goodell came out from under his rock twice this week to say some stupid things. He’d been relatively silent since being forced to hand the Vince Lombardi Trophy to Tom Brady back in February, effectively making the one time Goodell actually won anything (the DeflateGate court case) completely meaningless. I’m sure it was a good, solid, month and a half of sadness and self reflection for Goodell. If he owns a dog, he probably invited Michael Vick over to kick it.

So what brought Goodell oozing out of his hole? The slow pace of some NFL games. On Peter King’s MMQB podcast, Goodell explained why that really bothers him.

“When I watch the games on Sunday, I am watching as a football fan,” Goodell told King. “I am seeing things that disturb me, or that I find an intrusion. Particularly, as we get into this age now where there are so many distractions for our fans. I don’t want to give them an excuse to move off of football. I want them to be there all the time… We have seen areas that we know we can improve on…”

OK. Well, it’s difficult to argue with Rodge Podge on that one. Especially early in the season, the pace of some NFL games was outrageous and it was obvious to any fan watching who was responsible. Let’s see if Rodger Dodger figured out what we all could see with our own lying eyes.

“It drives me crazy when I am watching a game, the amount of time we spend,” Goodell said. “There is flag that goes down, we go over, we talk to the coach, we then make an announcement, then he goes under the hood, he comes back and sometimes they have a decision and they are standing there waiting before they can make the announcement, until TV gets back.”

He followed up with USA Today, citing too many commercial breaks, before and after kick offs.

“We call those ‘double-ups,'” Goodell said. “They actually occurred 27% of the time (on kickoffs in 2016). And that’s still too high for us.”

Oh. He was so close. Now the things Goodell mentions there are annoying, but he’s putting most of the blame on the way broadcasters show the game. They decide when and were to go to commercial breaks and even in his replay analogy, he’s attributing the slow pace to a commercial break.

But here’s the thing, Rodge-O. As people who watch NFL games, we’re used to that. Here’s what really frustrates us; shitty referees who don’t know or understand the rules of the sport they are paid to officiate.

Yeah. That’s what killed the pace of the games, especially earlier in the season before some edict came down from the Commissioner’s office to cool it on all the flags. Once the refs started leaving them in their pockets for a bit, the games got better across the board.

Now, I’m not advocating we let players get away with penalties. I’m thinking that, instead, referees really work on only throwing flags on plays that have an actual infraction worth penalizing. Let’s really focus and learn what pass interference looks like. That would be a big plus. Also, what is a hold? I know it’s a cliche that they could call holding on every play, but why try to actively make it true, refs?

And, you know, maybe let an incidental block in the back a mile away from the play go once in a while. Warn the guy that did it after without screwing up a highlight play. How about that?

The point is, commercials are part of the game experience. If anything, they give us a chance to get a plate of food or take a piss without missing any game action. The real problem with the pace of the game is inept officiating and Goodell is way too much of a pussy to ever admit that.

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Written by Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a writer and photographer based out of East Tennessee. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, in USA Today, the Associated Press, the Chicago Cubs Vineline Magazine, AskMen.com and many other publications.

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